


These Things I Cannot Feel

by writelikeitsgoingoutofstyle (twoandahalfslytherins)



Series: Addict is not a Personality Flaw [3]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Aaron/Alex for the relationship but I don't want to tag it because it isn't the main point, Drug Use, M/M, Rape/Non-con Elements
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-05
Updated: 2016-06-05
Packaged: 2018-07-12 09:08:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7095859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/twoandahalfslytherins/pseuds/writelikeitsgoingoutofstyle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A series of short bits about non-stop from Madison's perspective</p>
            </blockquote>





	These Things I Cannot Feel

The first time Madison deals for Jefferson, he has no idea what he’s doing.

Thomas Jefferson is the wildly charismatic upperclassman who sits next to him in Madison’s Calc class. They don’t talk much, but for the most part, James doesn’t talk to anyone. Figures this is just the territory of being a freshman. Every now and then Jefferson leans over to complain about other students, the way they talk, the questions they ask. Madison nods along, even though he doesn’t agree. He’s never been a fan of confrontation and he likes Jefferson well enough when the man isn’t being a dick.

So when one day Jefferson curses in the seat next to him, eyes glued on his cellphone, Madison asks what’s wrong. It’s only courteous and Mama always taught him to be considerate.

Later, much later, Madison will consider it his first mistake.

But in the present it’s just an extended hand of minimal effort friendship. That is, until Jefferson stops muttering about needing to be in two places at once and lights up.

Asks Madison if he’s willing to do him a favor. Just drop off a bag with another student. Don’t worry about what’s inside but not to hand it over until the guy gives him 60 bucks.

and Madison? Isn’t naive. But what’s the harm in helping out a class mate in a tight spot?

Especially when the next class they have together Jefferson hands him back one of the twenties.

*

He expects that to be it. Is surpised when the next week Jefferson asks him for another favor.

*

By the tenth time that James does a ‘favor’ for Jefferson, they have dropped the pretext.

“You know what I like about you, Jimmy?”

Madison hates that nickname. “Nope.”

“You don’t ask questions. No one notices you. You don’t let shit phase you. Even the little assholes who give me hell don’t argue with you. How do you do it?”

By treating them like people, usually. But that would be the wrong thing to say, so he just shrugs.

Over the summer, when he’s had time to clear his head, he tells himself that he won’t deal again the next year. He could get a real job. He hates having to hide things from his mother, completely blanks out Jefferson’s name from his vocabulary.

Besides, Jefferson probably won’t need him. Will find other middle men, other dealers.

*

He goes approximately a month without dealing once they get back to school. But between textbooks and the fact that he doesn’t have a meal plan anymore, he’s struggling. And with everyone back in school, he can’t seem to catch a break no matter how many places he applies.

So when Jefferson texts him for the third time asking if he’s interested in helping him out, Madison responds.

And the money is better than anything he could make working retail. Means he doesn’t have to call home and try to explain to his mother that he’s run out again. Means he can eat his fill.

*

The kid’s name is Hamilton. Alexander Hamilton, the name rattles off his tongue, too many syllables to fit his small frame.

Jefferson calls him a loud mouth genius. Cracks a joke about him not understanding yet what his mouth is good for. Gives him, and four other ‘problem’ clients, to Madison.

The first time he watches Hamilton clear a spot on his desk so that he can crush two pills up, James nearly has a heart attack.

But Hamilton swears they work better that way.

The other clients Jefferson passed on to him are problems. They’re abrasive, occasionally prone to swinging. Two of them keep trying to short him.

But other than Hamilton’s increasing usage- Madison’s not sure why the man gets under Thomas’s skin so much.

Figures there are some things he’s never going to understand.

The first time that Hamilton tosses all six pills he’s handed into his mouth, James contemplates quitting again.

He doesn’t. Instead he texts Burr and tells him he’s not going to be back tonight. Not that he actually thinks his roommate care, they mostly stay out of each other’s hair.

Hamilton rolls his eyes when he insists on staying, but Madison isn’t going to let him die alone in his room of a heart attack.

Incidentally, it’s the first time that he sees the bruises. Hamilton has no shame, pulls off his shirt with James right there.

Catches him staring and winks. Makes a joke about liking it rough.

It’s the first time they talk in depth. Once Hamilton’s knocked out the essays he needed to write and has nothing else to move on to. Complains that usually he’d go over to a friend’s to get fucked right about now but Madison isn’t backing down on the fact that Hamilton is a heart attack waiting to happen.

After that? he only gives him his pills in twos.

Which means he sees a lot more of him.

And Hamilton is a lot of things. He’s crude and he can be even nastier than Jefferson when he loses his temper (though, Madison understands the reasons why Hamilton gets angry a lot more than he understands Thomas’s complaining. Hamilton talks about anti-immigration assholes getting hit by buses, Thomas rants about people walking too slow.). But he’s also brilliant.

And he listens.

Jefferson listens to Madison talk the same way that Jefferson listened in math class. But James has had siblings for as long as he can remember. He’s used to being talked over.

Hamilton on the other hand, prods him for his opinions. Listens to him talk- if only to try and make a debate of it.

and as much as he hates it, he’s fond of the little assholes.

Worries as the bruises increase. Worries as the time him and Jefferson spend together increases as well.

There’s liking it rough and there’s whatever the fuck they’re into.

Whatever it is, James wants no part.

*

Madison’s been dealing for just short of a year the first time he takes oxy. Jefferson and Hamilton had been at it all night, and the same part of him that made him stay when the idiot took too much- kept him there. Just in case one of them broke the other’s bone or something.

Even once they’d calmed down, once Madison had felt comfortable enough to walk into the living room to confirm that they were there, curled up on the couch as there hadn’t been screaming for hours- Madison’s nerves were still on edge.

Jefferson shoves Hamilton off him, follows him into the kitchen. Dug around and came back with a bottle.

For the first time, as the pill squashed the last of his feelings, he understands why people were willing to pay so much.

It’s a reprieve.

*

Hamilton’s got mood swings like nobodies business. Madison’s not sure how he’s supposed to react the first time that the man screams at him for not letting him have more. Why does Madison care so fucking much? If he dies- he dies.

There are other times, where Madison meets him at their agreed location and Hamilton is so far away that it takes Madison shoving his shoulder for the man to realize he’s there.

Times still that he’s back to how he was at first. All crude jokes and ranting about whatever’s pissed him off this time.

Madison’s never been the hugest fan of crude humor- but it’s better than the first.

*

Over winter break, while Madison is away, Hamilton burns his way through most of the other dealers on campus. At least, all the moral ones. The ones he has left either over charge or prefer to take payment in less conventional methods.

They give dealers a bad name.

Madison hears about all of it second hand.

*

He’s going away for half a week. Back home for a siblings birthday. It’s early in the semester to take that kind of time off- but he doesn’t care. Needs the break.

Tells Hamilton he’s going to have to pace himself when he hands over the pills. Enough to last him until Madison gets back home.

Finds out later that it took less than a day for Hamilton to start seeking again, desperate.

When they argue about it- Hamilton swears it wasn’t that bad, he didn’t take all of them at once. Just most of them. More than a day’s worth in one swallow.

Madison can’t handle it.

Tells Jefferson he needs to deal with him.

Tells Jefferson maybe it’s better to cut him off- a few weeks later after he’s gotten too uncomfortable with the way they treat each other. Cites the OD as the reason. They don’t want an actual addict on their hands, do they? someone who will end up killing themselves. It might get them caught.

Jefferson agrees.

*

When Burr texts him, Madison’s heart stops.

Because no, he didn’t want to deal with this anymore.

Doesn't want to care about that self-destructive asshole. Knows that nothing good can come from it. 

The longer Burr texts him, the more the sense of dread builds.

No, Burr has no fucking idea what he’s getting himself into.

*

He doesn’t mean to get so angry when he opens the door to find Hamilton there, but the man is making a scene.

Drug dealing 101- that’s bad for business.

And then he makes the comment about him sucking Jefferson’s dick.

He's tired. and agitated and tired of dealing with addicts.

When it was through, when Burr shoved him- he left. Back to Jefferson’s. Let Hamilton make all the comments he wanted to about blowjobs, at least it was fucking quiet there.

*

Burr isn’t letting the Hamilton thing go and it’s disconcerting to see the man in his dorm so often. Doesn’t like listening to Jefferson contemplate what Burr’s interest is- but it’s better than getting ringside seats.

Doesn’t want to see any more bruises on the kid. Or know what the fuck his roommate gets up to.

*

When he pulls up to the house, he feels like he’s in a time machine. Hamilton on the steps.

Except Hamilton isn’t waiting. He’s not tapping his toes, he doesn’t launch into argument the moment he sees Madison.

No, he barely moves. and the closer Madison gets the more he can see the tear marks and the bruises and Madison? Madison is going to be sick.

Coaxes Hamilton into his car. Digs around for the bag of pills he’s supposed to deliver to someone else tomorrow. Gives them to Hamilton instead.

Drops Hamilton off at the dorm.

Goes back to Monticello one last time.

*

Burr doesn’t give a shit about what he’s done.

Burr blames him for the fact that his little boyfriend was ever in that situation to begin with, and Madison isn’t so sure he blames him.

*

Hamilton though?

Hamilton seems delighted.

Seems to think this means that they’re friends.

Madison not wanting to be friends with a rapist doesn’t mean he’s ready to risk caring about Hamilton again.

*

Hamilton still has moodswings.

But when he gets that flighty look in his eye, Aaron brings him back to earth.

When Hamilton cries, Aaron holds him.

When Hamilton invites Madison to another threesome, Aaron chides him.

And when they’re weird and gross? they’re weird and gross. Practically glued at the hip. Always touching.

Madison’s not sure why it bothers him so much.

*

Hamilton’s a dog. That’s really the only thing there is to say about the way he talks about sex.

But instead of taking it as an insult, Hamilton laughs. Delights in it.

*

On a whim he invites Hamilton and Burr both to go grocery shopping with him.

Startles when Hamilton grabs his hand, but can’t quite bring himself to let it go.

Enjoys teasing him in the store.

Enjoys it a lot less when Hamilton and Burr make out in the line.

He’s just not a fan of PDA. That’s all.

*

When Charles Lee kicks his ass, Madison assumes it’s pay back. His heart stops when the man leans over him to taunt that if he thinks he has it bad- he should see Hamilton when Jefferson’s through.

Madison doesn’t know what he’s going to do if something happens to the kid. Burr’s right. If it weren’t for him? He’d never been in this situation.

*

The little asshole makes him a card.

It’s got bumblebees on it for some ridiculous reason and Madison doesn’t know why he doesn’t immediately throw it in the trash. Maybe it’s the way that he signs it Mutt.

*

When Monroe tries to court him, Mutt throws away the drugs. And part of Madison wants to tell him that’s stupid considering how much money they’re worth.

But the only thing he feels is a surge of relief when the man curls up next to him on the bed and makes him watch a movie instead.

Enjoys the way he feels spooned against him.

*

When Burr tells him that Mutt’s gone to stay with the Frenchman, Madison doesn’t know what he’s supposed to feel.

Just knows he’s not about to let everyone walk all over Burr. Say what they will about Laf and Laurens being the muscle needed to save Mutt- Mutt would still be an addict if not for Aaron.

*

When Mutt freaks out over his face, Madison tries to ignore how fast his heart is beating.

Doubly so, how much he enjoys Mutt referring to him as babe.

Aaron and Alex are good together and he has no interest in caring about Mutt in that way.

Can't risk it. Doesn't want to.

*

Aaron hates Lafayette, but that doesn't stop him from mentioning the man first when it comes to people that Alex can rely on and leaving Madison off the list entirely. It stings. But for as much as Aaron discounts him, Alex is the one who asks him to stay.

*

Not wanting to care doesn’t stop him from letting Mutt convince him to get tested.

Or letting the man curl up and sleep on him.

He’s never claimed to be the strong type.


End file.
